Not Counting Just Trusting

Why would God put the"Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil" in the Garden of Eden if He didn't want man to eat from it?   I am sure many people have asked that question right along with me. From the beginning, God allowed man to have the will to choose.  I believe the tree was there for many reasons - one of them being to teach man to trust.  I believe this is a lesson that from the onset of our relationship with the Father, He desires to work in our hearts.  He wants to stretch and grow us in our ability and will to put our whole faith in Him.  In 2003, I was undertaking a seven year Bible program.  That year, we were studying Israel and the Minor Prophets.  At that same time, Grace was an infant, and I was diligently trying to keep up a milk supply for nursing.  I had extreme hormone issues, and this was proving to be a very difficult task.  I used a pump to provide extra stimulation for milk production 3 to 5 times a day.  Grace was thriving, but I was becoming very discouraged.  I would often go to our deep freeze and count how many bags of milk were there. (great bi-product of pumping!)  I would then add up how many days I could give Grace breast milk before having to switch her to something else.  In the midst of this ritualistic exhaustion, one week in class, we studied about the time that David was instructed to NOT take a census in Israel.  He was to simply trust that the Father would provide the manpower he needed to be a successful ruler.  Despite God's instructions, 1 Chronicles 21:1 records  "Then Satan stood up against Israel and moved David to number Israel."  Why did David fall to temptation in this?  Why was he not obedient to the Lord's will?  I believe it was a trust issue.  David was in charge - or so he thought - he felt he needed to be prepared for what was ahead.  The Father began to work in my heart, and in a dream revealed to me that I was acting just as David had.  I believed I was the "ruler" or in control of my milk production.  I was allowing Satan to destroy my special time as a mom; make me weary from doubt; and allow me to believe that I was Grace's provider.  God stictly forbade me from counting milk from that day forward.  I was to put the bags in the freezer and forget them.  I had no idea what a challenge that was going to be.  At that time, Grace was 4 months old.  Two months later I found out I was expecting again.  My hormones were raging and I wanted to count how much milk I had so I could stop nursing Grace and rest.  Again in a dream, I was told to keep pushing forward and to trust.  Two months later I lost that child.  I was so hurt.  I know that sounds crazy, but if you knew Matt and my whole story you would understand how desperately we wanted children.  Even with two in our arms the loss of yet another child was devastating.  I was also hormonally all over the page.  However, God gave me two instructions: continue and trust.   Two months later when Grace was 10 months old, I totally dried-up on one side.  Again, the temptation to count what was in the freezer was so overwhelming....BUT I had come so far!  The one year marker that the Father had promised me was in sight.  For the next two months, we continued with only one side producing milk.  The day of Grace's first birthday I was emotionally all over the place - again, it could just have been hormones!  ; )  I was sad to think that this time was ending.  I knew (although not yet fully) that Grace was to be my last biological child.  I was grateful, amazed and overwhelmed to see all that the Father had brought us through.  I was also extremely curious as to how much milk was in that freezer!  I guess just like Adam and Eve I wondered what could really happen from just one count.  Just like David, I thought that I had won so many battles.  Was I not in control yet?  Without asking God, I counted and I added up how many weeks/months Grace was going to continue to be able to have good breast milk.  (Pride goes before a fall!!!!)  I weaned Grace over the next few weeks and began to give her breast milk in a cup.  She totally rejected it!  Then I began to notice that after I made her drink it, her diapers were foul and she had terrible indigestion.  OH GREAT!  What was I to do with a freezer full of milk?  I knew it was from my own foolishness.  I asked for forgiveness, which of course was given, but there are always consequences to sin.  The milk was not "mine" any more.  What was I to do with it?  I began praying.  A few days later, I was talking with a friend of mine on the phone.  She was having extremely painful back issues and needed to take special medication.  By taking this medicine she was unable to nurse her infant.  She was pumping in order to keep a supply, but was having to pour her milk down the sink. (HOW AWFUL!)  Immediately, I knew what I was to do - Give her the milk.  I was so grateful that the Father allowed me to do this.  (I could have just had to put it in the trash!)  HE knows our sins and our weaknesses and yet He chooses to use and bless us anyway!  SO, you might be asking: Why is Amy writing about something from so many years ago?  Well, I have been caught counting again!  Not breast milk this time...but days.  With our current visa situation still up in the air and July being our 3 year anniversary overseas, I have been playing the "what if" game and counting days and months.  IF this happens, we can do THIS.  IF that happens, we could do THAT.  What I have really been doing is NOT trusting!  God still has a perfect plan!!  He knows how many days we have left in Turkey.  What Satan wants is to steal my joy, take away my ability to minister and rob me from the privilege of serving.  I know God desires that I have faith that HIS ways are perfect.  All things will work together in HIS time and for HIS glory.  I am not to count!  Please pray for me as I walk this journey again.  May it be one this time that pleases HIM.  AT                 

Life is wonderfully knitted together

Shortly after moving to Turkey, a local family adopted us.  I have written about them many times over the years.  We love them dearly.  One of the things that my local "grandma" was determined to teach me was handiwork. She wanted to begin with crochet.  I am not sure how many hours we sat side-by-side with her giving instructions and me helplessly fouling it up, but eventually she got "fed-up".  She took the hook from my hand, threw it on the table and said that I would not learn.  I am sure that my eyes were as big as saucers.  I know they were ready to spill over with tears.  I was already struggling with language, culture, food and relationships...was I to fail at this, too!!  She must have seen my shock and forthcoming tears because she quickly smiled and grabbed up the knitting needles.  Believe me I took them with trembling hands and lots of prayer!  "Please God, HELP!!  I need to learn this.  I need to succeed at something!!"  After several more hours of instruction...and I believe many huffs and eye rolling...I was slowly knitting.  (and I mean sllllloooooowwwwwlllly)  When I left her house that evening, I was determined to go home and continue working.  Over the next few days, I made something that could resemble a pot holder.  It had many holes from missed stitches, but I did it!!  Success!!!  After that, I moved on to scarves, hats, socks, ponchos and I am working on my first sweater.  I have never been "crafty"; that's my mom's department; but this is fun...even therapeutic.  It has been nice to be able to have something in my hands while I listen to children read and while I am helping with lessons or watching TV.  I have always had a hard time with these particular activities because I hate being still.  However, I think the thing that I love the best about this craft is the time I am able to spend in prayer.  I have several family members and friends in the States that I decided to pray for as I do certain tasks.  As I do normal tasks throughout the day, I have set certain activities as prompts to pray for particular individuals.  I decided to do that with knitting as well.  I have a friend that I pray for every time I knit.  I also pray for the person for whom I am knitting.  In previous posts, I have been writing about how the Father is teaching me to worship and praise Him.  I am amazed at how He so desires to work in our lives through everything that we are doing.  Recently in my knitting, I have been having beautiful (yet sometimes difficult...but clear) visions and sweet words from the Father.  He truly has a perfect plan for our lives.  He has knitted each piece of our lives into perfect order.  Will we be simple pot holders or complicated sweaters?  Will the colors change once, twice, over and over or perhaps never?  Will we see missed stitches when really it was the beginning of a beautiful flower pattern?  We may not know what the end will create, but it will be wonderfully made and precious in His sight.  We simply need to walk with hands and hearts that are stretchable, changeable and moldable for His glory.  AT